Know You Now

oh boy oh boy oh boy, there are winds of change.

my clumsiness just increased. i keep scratchin my car. drop the keys and spoil the alarm, give out false info cos i am just too…unaware. i would make a zilch sportswoman, really.

how do u train to be a better more organised human being? u try ur best to stay on top of things but ur brain is just…not in it.

come to think of it…where is it anyway? it’s certainly not in the administrative meandering mess i dunked myself into. not on the road…i more of a scenery watcher…not reverser extraordinaire.

train me someone, pls! help me to be alert towards tiny details like…the publishers of the 2008 booklist and where the curb is so i dont hit into it.

but…

be urself baby.

chuck the boring clerk job and get a good friend who can drive.

i dig the fawn from Narnia. how weird is that? i completely ignore the fact that he’s technically not entirely human, is as short as a 6 yrs old girl, and has horse legs. i also had a crush on peter pan and dimitri (did i spell it right? he’s from anastacia anyways) when i first watched those cartoons.

the problem with me is that i’m a sucker for charming guys. i will so slap their faces, i will. Ok, maybe not Mr Tumnus, he’s a nice charmer, cos he doesnt noe it. but those who are knowingly charming… i will. slap.

it’s just wrong to get away with stuff by just saying the right things or twinkling your eye the right way. just downright wrong. i’m just speakin for the downtrodden here. shut your mouth.

i wish i could be charming.

*song to listen for the day : "leona naess - charm attack"

i should stop looking, really. at all the photos of my friends in UK. THEY ARE KILLIN ME. but i understand, different ppl have different lives. and somewhere out there there’s a person wishin with all her heart she had the opportunities i had. cant go on like that. gotta deal. and i am. happy. busy. learning things. and whenever i hesitate, i dive straight in. which can be quite dangerous. or embarassing. and it generates alot of questioning. which i dont necessarily think necessary for me to answer.

i. am. gonna. make. changes. for example, i started up a recycle bin. can u imagine that they dont have one at the school im workin at? unacceptable. and i shifted all the office computers around cos they were ridiculously placed. who tortures they’re workers like that? i got a killer neck ache from my forst week at work. maybe cos they didnt use the comps much before….hmm.

maybe i should be a philanthropist.

and the zwinkies are gettin more and more irritatin.

only i, only i can get hired and fired from a job within 72 hours. thats really something. i’ll be sure to put that in my resume. suggestions have been streaming in as to what i should do next. illegal DVDs were one of them, but since the installment of Astro On Demand, i’m afraid that wouldnt be a really lucrative business. really, u noe, really, pick me, choose me, HIRE ME. i’ve been to so many walk-in interviews i dont even rmbr how many. i just need weekends off. apparently that’s asking too much. so when most people are off settling visa stuff im poring over jane austen and marvelling at how close my daily routine resembles that of the victorian woman of yore.

jamie cullum is playing this really complex, groovy, finger-y thingamajiggy on the piano and it’s driving me ABSOLUTELY nuts!!! it’s wicked….and he’s doin it with his EYES CLOSED. i really do admire ppl who can play good, challenging music and sing at the same time…but for those who are less adept, ‘Bat For Lashes’ (aka Natasha Khan) is a shiny beacon of hope!

it’s like layers and layers of simple 4 note tinkerings which form some sort of sound that passes as amazingly effective music. everything is used, from snaps, claps, whoops and other unidentifiable instruments. yes, whoops. like in "Bat’s Mouth":

the caves of our mouths are forest darkness

and the air in between is overflowing

and the rushing wolverine flies past

his shiny, shiny teeth

and she is kind, and he is free and full of knowing

she is sure.

and it makes me feel like i am too. sure of everything. and when the backing vocals and violin swoops in it really hits you. like, "i’m telling all of you now…i’m gonna be so good."

yup, the old is purged cos theres this new person. maybe a lil less self-efficient but, it’s kinda still obsessive adeline. the biggest change is my frame of mind. it’s not a BIG change, more of like a tweak…but big as in significant.

extremely grateful for my a-levels results. for those who were there, you know there were moments of real pure unadultered doubt. and i have no doubt now that it was God who pulled me through. i’ve never been more sure about a thing of faith like that. so i’ve got to say it. tell story, sound mushy…all the things i dont really like doing.

all 3 subjects that i took were all so subjective i was practically swimming in it and my poor KBSM logic step-by-step-mind couldnt take it. was use to working at something and then SEEING the results almost immeadiately. but with lit, drama and art…it was so mood based. it wasnt like those darn add math problems i use to do…i could MAKE me do it. but i couldnt write convincingly about Frankenstein when i dreaded the sight of the book. couldnt paint when i didnt believe i could, couldnt act when…couldnt act, period. not when all eyes were on me.

so i tried. really hard. flus and zits were the externalisations of the trying. and all this time i stupidly felt like it was me against all these, absolutely alone. damn knuckle head. so caught up. so caught up.

ok, i’ve lost my drift. see how bad the mood writing thing is? i think towards the end i just sort of went "hey lord, u noe, this is my situation. i’m really stressed, i cant do it alone anymore. u’ve got to help me and im real sorry for not having thought about it earlier on before." put him 1st. go to church when ure really dead beat after a saturday nite event and rounding. put on cheery face and storytelling voice to teach sunday sch. go to CF when i really really needed to re-read poetry for exam later.

take step back. let Him take the wheel. ive learnt so many things thru the few minutes i devote to reading the bible in the mornings these few months. sometimes it scarily speaks about the dilemmas i face that very day itself.

He deserves every single praise and congratulations and handshakes that ive received.

k, i feel overexposed now.

but i had to let someone know.